When is it enough?

My name is Janelle and I am a scale-oholic.  I had an inkling of this last week, but it's now been confirmed.  I was able to stay off it for three days and then I caved.  Granted, I wasn't as obsessive as I've been in the past, but it was a twice a day thing earlier this week. 

I always thought the scale was a way to keep myself accountable. What I realized this past week is that it may be more a way to let myself off the hook. The fact that I busted it out on Sunday to determine if I needed to take a run was the dead giveaway.  I told myself that if I was down I could stay home and relax.  I was the same, so on went the running shoes. It made me realize that what the scale says sometimes determines if I say yes to the cookies during the day, or slack off tracking my points, or let myself make less healthy choices in general. In many ways, it's not keeping me accountable at all.  It's keeping me stuck.

In my coaching session this week, Amy posed the big, looming question to me - "Can I have a healthy interaction with the scale?" My immediate response was a resounding NO!  But, am I ready to give it up?  I feel like I started this journey to lose weight. It wasn't about getting healthy, it was about losing weight.  That requires a scale. Maybe at the point where I'm in the non-overweight zone, I can think about it, but right now I don't think I'm ready. 

Don't get me wrong, I know this is a sick relationship.  This morning when I had lost a half a pound for the week, I went through the "is that all?" feeling.  Even though it was a loss.  Even though I had maintained what I have already dropped and then some.  Even though a half a pound is a respectable amount, it wasn't enough for me.  Again, I'm in that place where I want to see the finish line. But, maybe I do see it, but it looks a little different than I thought it would.  Maybe the finish line is a life where I'm not measuring my happiness by a number on the scale. I'm letting that idea roll around in my head a bit.  I'm definitely not there, yet. I still want pounds off my frame at this point.  But, I am willing to consider that once I get closer to my "goal," maybe I can rethink the end game and consider a different place to end up.  Maybe. 

Ma'am, please step away from the scale...

I am obsessed with those little digital numbers.  Okay, so they're not so little, but they are getting smaller. Regardless, I have to confess to being a serial weigher. I don't just step on the scale daily.  I step on it multiple times a day wondering, "Gee, where am I now?" as if magically the number is going to be 40lbs lighter within 12 hours of my last foray. It's not rational and it's definitely compulsive, but it's what I do. 

I'm actually not sure what this obsession is all about. I think it's part wishful thinking, part accountability and part masochism. I remember the first time I did Weight Watchers in my early twenties I didn't own a scale. Every week I didn't know what the scale would say until I stepped up. It was actually really lovely. Buying a scale was like Eve taking a bite of that apple — it opened my eyes but eliminated my innocence. And I picked the juiciest apple around - not just a scale, but a scale that measures your body fat.  Talk about TMI!

So, the big question now is how to rein in my scale obsession while still remaining accountable. The reality is, if I'm tracking my points truthfully, I know how my week has gone.  There's no mystery there. Stepping on the scale over and over is part ritual and part sheer meanness.  As much as I want to quit cold turkey, my truth is that I'm addicted. So, it's going to be a matter of baby steps. Maybe for this week I'll just make it a morning habit.  Or maybe, I'll find the courage to step on it tomorrow and stash it away for a week. Maybe if I just move it onto a shelf or into the laundry room behind a box or two, the sheer effort to get it out will perhaps deter me.  Or, maybe I need to enlist Charly's help to hide it. My self-control only goes so far.  I need some serious intervention.

You know, the idea of a week where my mood isn't determined by a digital read-out is really  appealing....

Are We There Yet?

And so it begins, the waning motivation. It's about the right timing - a month in.  I just want to be done with this weight loss thing. I'm bored. I guess after dealing with this for about 30 years I would be bored.  It's just that I want to get to the finish line this time and I can't afford to be bored, yet.

I've officially lost seven pounds so far.  We'll see what this week holds on Wednesday morning. I guess this is where making that whole shift from "dieting" to "lifestyle change" would help. I'm so not there, yet. It doesn't help that I live with a man who can eat anything he wants and never gain a pound. Hell yes, I'm envious. Am I really going to have to thoughtfully consider what I put in my mouth FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE???? Ugh! We all have our own unique challenges in life, right? 

Maybe I just need to dial back the intensity of my resentment about mine. I mean really, how hard is it to consider what I put in my mouth and avoid stuffing down my emotions with food?Ok, some days it's really hard. But, only because I make it that way. I know there's a part of me that likes wallowing in my weight, a part that worries about the fact that once I tackle this I'll have to look at something deeper. Plus, my weight is my protective coating, my armor that keeps me safe from rejection and in the failure I know. What if what I'm feeling isn't so much boredom as it is fear?  What if I'm scared of the steady progress? What if the slow steady route is making me look at things a little differently and more deeply? Ok, I'm not bored.  I'm terrified of what I'm about to uncover.