I think I just ate an emotion.

Sometimes I have what I call "Bottom-less Pit" days.  It's like I just can't stop eating and honestly for most of it I really believe I'm hungry. I had one of those on Saturday.  In all fairness, I did go for a run that morning.  But I don't think a 1.25 mile run really qualifies as appetite stimulation. Throughout the rest of the day, I seriously couldn't stop shoving things in my mouth. The fact that we had to drive down to San Diego that afternoon meant that I ended up eating every snack we packed.  I shared a bit, but no one else in the car seemed quite as interested in the food bag as I did.

In thinking about it later, I realized that I was actually really fearful and sad about the trip and I think that's what my appetite was about — comfort.  A family friend had died the week previous and we were going down to be there for the memorial service. The scary thing was that during the day what I was feeling didn't even register.  

I pretty much have two emotional speeds - happy and angry.  Anything outside of those two just kind of feels numb. And with negative emotions, my coping mechanism of filling my stomach kicks in automatically.  I don't even realize it's happening.  That's actually a frightening thought for me. I'm on auto-pilot, so how can I correct the plummeting?  I guess it's like anything else - pay more attention. It's just so hard. Digging emotions out from under years of repression is an arduous task. I guess that's part of what I signed up for with this blog and my "once and for all" attitude.  Some days it just feels like I'm not up to the task.