Run, Janelle, Run

I did it!  I got my feet in my running shoes and my ass outside for a run.  It was a short one - 1.25 miles, but it was a run without stopping. Given my pace, it might be better termed a jog. After the fact, it felt great.  And, truth be told, during wasn't THAT bad. It wasn't great, don't get me wrong, but I could do it.  My knees were definitely complaining that I have 46 extra pounds on my frame right now.  I just told them I was working on it.

Maybe finding a 5K or 10K to sign up for would be a good idea.  That will get me on more of a structured training regimen.  I do much better that way.  I'm terrified of being shamed in the effort - of failing - so it motivates me.  Negative motivation probably isn't the healthiest, but for now, it works. 

During my run, I was supposed to be thinking about something I read last night from Geneen Roth (instead I was counting the minutes:)).  It's definitely something I want to mull and explore. Nothing groundbreaking, except that it got me wanting to think about how it applies to me.  Basically, it's that any compulsion is really just a replacement for a deep-seated fear. She asked, "If you weren't worried about your weight, what would you be worried about?" Off the top of my head, I don't really know.  I've buried it very well.  

Ultimately, it all goes back to the time when the compulsion started.  What were you trying to make up for?  I've been chubby since I was little, so I've got a lot of digging to do.  There's something in there for me about loneliness. I think my compulsive eating started when I would be home alone after school in elementary school. It was something to do. But, more than that, I think my parents were stretched pretty thin in their lives. I got most of what I wanted materially, but there wasn't a lot of attention left over.  Add to that my dad moving out when I was 11 and that sounds like a recipe for fat. I'm sure this will be fodder for more posts in the future...